I am here...although I don't know if I have arrived. Some days I feel stranded in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, other days I marvel at the paradise that I call my life. Welcome to my ramblings, reflections, and obsessive- compulsive tendencies

Monday, May 18, 2009

...about mind over matter

as i was growing up i feel like i hardly ever went to the doctor when i was sick.  that probably isn't true of when i was really little, of course.  i wouldn't want to give the wrong impression of my parents.  they were exceptional and wouldn't have let anything happen to me.  i was also a pretty healthy kid from the sound of things.  but as i entered my late childhood and into my teens, i can't think of when i saw the doctor.  i could always hear my dad's voice, "oh, it's all in your mind, luv, you're fine."  the thing is, i guess i always was.  that said, i think it did a major number on my mind.  it seems that i began to believe him that everything was in my mind and now i find myself constantly battling with it.  here's a little example of the craziness that is in my head.

i have been working my ass off (literally) trying to be a runner.  i have always wanted to be that person that can lace up her nikes, head out the door and stride along without a care in the world, looking strong and fit.  this new country of mine is the perfect setting.  i can run out of my door and have views of the atlantic ocean the entire time.  in january i laced up my nikes and headed out for a two-mile "run" where i walked most of the time.  i have since worked my way up to 5 1/2 miles where i do run (jog) the entire time.  It is a huge accomplishment for me and i am truly quite proud of myself, but the whole "without a care in the world" doesn't come close to what is happening inside my head when i am running.  

i set out on saturday morning for my weekly long run sans stroller.  usually these are good runs because pushing a 30 pound kid in a 20 pound stroller up and down the hills in my part of the island is something of a challenge.  that said, on this particular day, after two minutes i decided that i hated the music playing, my sports bra sucked and my legs felt like lead, i was quitting...not just the run for the day, but the whole exercise kick.  i would run out of sight of the house so that my cheering husband wouldn't know how pathetic i was.  i ran the five minutes to the railway trail and slowed to a walk for a millisecond and decided that i could probably run the five minutes back to the house, so i did.  at the cut-off for the house i talked myself into running the rest of the trail, it isn't that long, but then i was quitting for sure.  running was stupid.  you can guess where this story is going.  i argued myself into running for over five miles and my brain didn't shut up the entire time.  i ended up being more emotionally exhausted than physically.  

my body can actually do far more than my mind ever gives it credit for.  if i can just get past the hurdle of my brain, imagine the athlete i could become.  well, maybe that is overstating it a little bit, but it does give me something to think about (i know, i know, there i go again with the over-thinking).

1 comment:

Lisa said...

You nailed it sister. Stupid self-talk gets in the way every time. When my brain suggests that I skip the exercise and "relax" and eat chips instead...I listen! Why can't my brain just shut up for once and let me do the right thing? Clearly my brain isn't even remotely concerned with how big my ass is getting!! Selfish brain.

Hey, thanks for your comment re: A and S. I can't believe what that kid said to Morgan! I'd go primal on that child!