...about mind over matter

as i was growing up i feel like i hardly ever went to the doctor when i was sick.  that probably isn't true of when i was really little, of course.  i wouldn't want to give the wrong impression of my parents.  they were exceptional and wouldn't have let anything happen to me.  i was also a pretty healthy kid from the sound of things.  but as i entered my late childhood and into my teens, i can't think of when i saw the doctor.  i could always hear my dad's voice, "oh, it's all in your mind, luv, you're fine."  the thing is, i guess i always was.  that said, i think it did a major number on my mind.  it seems that i began to believe him that everything was in my mind and now i find myself constantly battling with it.  here's a little example of the craziness that is in my head.

i have been working my ass off (literally) trying to be a runner.  i have always wanted to be that person that can lace up her nikes, head out the door and stride along without a care in the world, looking strong and fit.  this new country of mine is the perfect setting.  i can run out of my door and have views of the atlantic ocean the entire time.  in january i laced up my nikes and headed out for a two-mile "run" where i walked most of the time.  i have since worked my way up to 5 1/2 miles where i do run (jog) the entire time.  It is a huge accomplishment for me and i am truly quite proud of myself, but the whole "without a care in the world" doesn't come close to what is happening inside my head when i am running.  

i set out on saturday morning for my weekly long run sans stroller.  usually these are good runs because pushing a 30 pound kid in a 20 pound stroller up and down the hills in my part of the island is something of a challenge.  that said, on this particular day, after two minutes i decided that i hated the music playing, my sports bra sucked and my legs felt like lead, i was quitting...not just the run for the day, but the whole exercise kick.  i would run out of sight of the house so that my cheering husband wouldn't know how pathetic i was.  i ran the five minutes to the railway trail and slowed to a walk for a millisecond and decided that i could probably run the five minutes back to the house, so i did.  at the cut-off for the house i talked myself into running the rest of the trail, it isn't that long, but then i was quitting for sure.  running was stupid.  you can guess where this story is going.  i argued myself into running for over five miles and my brain didn't shut up the entire time.  i ended up being more emotionally exhausted than physically.  

my body can actually do far more than my mind ever gives it credit for.  if i can just get past the hurdle of my brain, imagine the athlete i could become.  well, maybe that is overstating it a little bit, but it does give me something to think about (i know, i know, there i go again with the over-thinking).